My Five-Year Plan

I realize it's important to have goals in life. If you don't have goals then you end up working at the Audi/Volkswagen dealership for the rest of your life driving the customer service shuttle. So this morning, while I was taking an outside shower in the rain in the Hamptons, I started thinking about my five-year plan, and how I need to have a five-year plan regardless of how much or how quickly it will change in the future. So here it is:

1) Hour one

Drive back to Manhattan with Scott, Grant and Peter, stopping at Chipotle on the way.

2) Week one

Get back to Seattle, see my family and enroll in a TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) course that guarantees job placement upon completion. Courses that start on August 20th and September 5th. Live with my parents and also sometimes sleep at the studio on Capitol Hill where I'm still paying rent.

3) Month one

Work extensively on my tan in the quickly diminishing Pacific Northwest sun while also doing weekends at the TEFL course. If possible do yard work on Bainbridge Island to make money, maintain fitness and work on tan.

4) Year one

Teach English in either Colombia or China. Win-win situation: If I'm in Colombia my Spanish will be further solidified and I will also adopt a lilting Colombian accent, my favorite accent of all the Spanish-speaking countries. If I teach English in China I will learn some Mandarin and become approximately 73% more employable.

5) Year two (and also part of year one)

Go to Africa to see my sister and her family. Possibly live there for a short time and work on learning Portuguese. Also, go back to school and finish my Master's Degree in Spanish, translating poems by Heriberto Yepez while continuing to study French or starting a new language.

6) Year three

Move to Alaska. Live in a hut. Write the Great American Novel.

6) Years four and five

Continue to travel, visiting such places as: Western Africa, Tajikistan, Tristan da Cunha, Perth, Indonesia and New Caldonia. Continue to study Chinese and also possibly Arabic or Farsi. Garden. Own land. Get married.

So that's the plan, and no matter what happens these are the main goals:

Work hard.

Get married.

Speak at least two languages other than English fluently, be conversational in at least two more and emergency capable in two more than that.

Travel to every continent.

Make a concerted attempt at writing a book.

Live off the land for at least a week (but preferable a month or a year).

Run naked on a beach in Alaska.

Getting Bumped

I have never flown first class in my life. I am determined to do it before the year is up, and not by buying a first class ticket but by requesting an upgrade or somehow getting "bumped." The infamous "bump." You always hear about people getting "bumped" up to first class. The airline overbooked the coach section or an employee was just feeling particularly generous. But I've never been bumped!

It's my turn to get bumped.

The Times I Got Yelled At in Russia

The Russian people are the country's greatest and worse asset. In my time in Russia I met some amazingly kind and considerate people, and also some true jerks. One thing with Russians is that pleasantries, small talk, chit-chat, etc. don't exist. Russians are direct. They tell you what they want and how they feel in the same moment they are wanting and feeling it. I will never forget when a girl named Anna in our program from St. Petersburg asked a girl she didn't know who she sat down by us, with no other prelude: "Who are you? Where are you from?"

I got yelled at quite a bit in Russia. Russians were always unsatisfied with my Russian language-speaking abilities and generally liked to tell me about it in a strong, annoyed voice. Here is an brief outline of the times I got yelled at in Russia:

1) The bus driver from Finland

Technically this happened in Finland but it was the beginning of my Russia trip so I'll include it. He wanted me to stack a suitcase on top of another suitcase and I just plain didn't understand. So he yelled at me in Finnish. And I yelled back in English. Then we became friends.

2) Trying to use the bathroom on a train

Two women were cleaning a bathroom but I thought once they were done I could go in and use it. But they were telling me in Russian to use the bathroom at the other end of the wagon. Which of course I didn't understand so I just pointed at the bathroom and said timidly, "Now?" They got annoyed and raised their voices and pointed towards the other bathroom and I threw my arms up and said in English, "OK I got it! Chill out! I don't speak Russian!" and they said in English "Yes, yes, yes."

3) Waiting for the other bathroom

After getting yelled at by the ladies trying to use the first bathroom I waited patiently for the bathroom on the other end. Just as the guy in the bathroom was coming out another Russian sidled in front of me, paid me no mind, and started to go in I grabbed him by the shoulder and said in English, "Hey, I was waiting here." whereupon he brushed my hand off, said something loudly and angrily in Russian, and then went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I wanted to cry/beat him up.

4) Internet cafe in the Moscow airport

The floor had just been mopped and I walked on it. In retrospect I probably should've asked if it was OK to go in, but I was trying to do as the Russians do where if you want something, you just take it. But then a lady came walking after me and pointed harshly at the floor and undoubtedly said something to the effect of, "You ignorant, useless American. Can't you see we were cleaning this?" I replied innocently, "Internet?"

There were other times. Plenty of other times. But I don't remember them specifically. Granted, I met some wonderful Russians, too. But I'm still glad to be back in the US of A. Elated. I got picked up yesterday by my friend Scott's brothers yesterday and we immediately drove to Chipotle and ate burritos the size of footballs. It was glorious and I don't regret leaving Russia for a minute. Maybe I'll go back there one day. Or maybe not.

Diez Minutos

I have decided to become a bit of a mystic for the next 10 minutes. I am trying to decide whether or not to fly to New York tomorrow. But I want a clear signal, and I am looking to the environment and people around me for that signal. If I leave the internet cafe for instance, and someone stops me and says, "Mark, you should go to New York," then I will most likely go to New York. But if something tells me I should stay I will do that, too. I vowed to wait until tonight to make this decision. But I might break that rule. Rules are meant to be broken, after all.

So I'll give it 10 minutes, starting now. And if there is no clear signal, well, I'll probably give it some more time. And if there STILL is no clear signal I will probably buy a ticket to New York. I would feel a bit like I'm giving up on Yaroslavi and Russia, but sometimes you have to know when to get out.

10 minutes starting now....

Internet Overload

I think I figured out the internet cafe that had me so befuddled the other day. I'm referring to the one where a guy who looked vaguely Armenian and was wearing sunglasses indoors charged me 50 rubles, handed me a coke, and told me to use the computers. I am here again today, and I asked the girl, since I now know how to say this, "How much does one hour of internet cost?" She motioned towards the drinks and made it clear that I had to buy a drink, and that after buying the drink I could use the internet, seemingly for as long as I want. So I bought a lemon-flavored mineral water, which cost 50 rubles, and now here I am at the internet. It's actually not a bad deal, and I no longer hate this place. You pay 50 rubles (about 2 bucks), get a drink and get to use the internet for as long as you want. The girl is pretty nice, albeit smoking a cigarette two feet from my face, and the internet is fast!

I think most people come here to gamble online. That's what the girl next to me is doing and also what the patron two computers down from me is doing. I think by Russian standards 50 rubles is a pretty big rip off for internet. This is not, after all, an "internet cafe". This is an "internet club". There is a difference in Russia, and the difference is that internet cafes are cheap and generally well-lit and frequented by young people, whereas internet clubs are expensive, gloomy, usually filled with smoke, and the computers are set up to make online gambling as easily as possible, often with a set of buttons by the keyboard expressly for that purpose. But like I said, I'm not complaining about this place. It might be my new favorite place in Yaroslavi, just after the banks of the mighty Volga, of course.

I am actually starting to learn Russian. I am almost afraid to type those very words for fear I'll jinx it, but I am actually starting to learn Russian. Like I've mentioned, the girl working at the hostel speaks no English. And now that I've started learning some verbs and how to conjugate them, I can say some simple things. I was just now extremely proud of myself because I told her, in Russian, without help, "I'm going to look for internet." This, after my days of silence and frustration, is a veritable novel streaming from my mouth. Like I just recited the Declaration of Independence from heart -- but in Russian. I feel empowered. I can actually communicate. I know the word for "liar" and "crazy" and the verbs "to smoke", "to be able to," "to love," "to hate." Combine these words and you can actually start to make some sentences.

This experience has made me appreciate what it's like to learn a language from zero and also what it would be like to teach someone who has no knowledge of a language. Now I know that if I ever teach Spanish 101 the first verbs I will teach my students will be "to love" and "to hate." Sure, it's important to know things like "to walk," "to give", "to want," etc. But they're not fun to talk about. Everyone, however, likes to talk about what they love and hate. And it opens up new worlds. I love icecream! I hate spagehtti! I love music! I love dancing! I hate peppers! These are things that are actually fun to say, and they are relatively simple. These are the things that little kids say, and when you're learning a language, you're effectively a little kid.

My search for formal Russian classes continues and unfortunately continues to be fruitless. The one place I found wants 600 rubles for 45 minutes, which is over 20 dollars for 45 minutes. If I did three hours of class a day it would add up. So I have a rudimentary plan, though my plans are always changing and could very well change by later tonight. But for now the plan is this: Give Yaroslavi and myself two more days. If by Tuesday night I haven't found Russian classes and I don't feel like I'm really learning, then I get a morning train to Moscow and possibly a nonstop flight to New York. The only cost 650 dollars non stop on Transaero, which to me is a not horrible deal. Then I could fly to Seattle using frequent flier miles for free.

But this is only a very rudimentary idea. I don't want to give up on Russia yet. I'm learning, I'm having a good time. And let's face it: it's not every day you're in Russia. I don't want to leave early and then regret it.

Poka, poka, for now, komrades. Poka, poka.

The Banks of the Mighty Volga

Looking back on the last post I realize I sounded a bit hysterical. Or at least agitated. But now I feel better. My sickness has abated somewhat save some soreness on the tip of my tongue and things went considerably better last night. I did hit a bit of a low point during the day though. I found myself checking flights to Seattle, part of me just wanting to go to Moscow and get on the next possible plane. It's a good thing I didn't buy a ticket to Seattle though, even if it's just because tickets for whatever reason are much cheaper to Vancouver. This is almost never the case, but it happens sometimes. But an excuse to go to Vancouver is always welcome, so I won't mind if it stays that way. And I'm sure a 28 hour Air Berlin flight with stops in Berlin and Dusseldorf would be an adventure.

Right now I'm at another internet cafe. It smells like cigarettes. The internet is slow. It is rare that the internet in Russia be as fast as internet in other places. Internet here definitely isn't as commonplace. The hostel I'm at right now doesn't have internet, which is rare for a hostel. But it's good. Keeps me from staring at a computer screen all day and checking flights on Expedia.

My Russian lesson went well yestereday! I was hoping she would speak more Russian to me but she wanted to practice her English and it's understandable given my Russian is close to nonexistent. But I learned how to conjugate some verbs and I learned some more useful expressions and when I got back I was able to speak a bit to the girl at the hostel who speaks no English at all. I asked her if she had sisters and brothers and a dog. I asked her if she had a husband and I think she communicated to me that she had a boyfriend but that she dumped him. But I also might not have been understanding at all. Most of Russian for me is just a big guess.

After dinner I walked down to the banks of the Volga River. It was beautiful. The sun was setting and there were couples locked in passionate embraces and a man fishing while lazily smoking a cigarette. There were groups of kids laughing and drinking bottles of beer and the whole environment was generally very amiable. I sat for a long time watching the sky get red and then darker and darker and then I walked back to the hostel, but not before getting some strawberry ice cream on the way.

Today I feel in much better spirits, though it's a weekend and I can take no Russian class so it will be a test of my fortitude to not get bored or depressed and get on a train to Moscow and then a flight somewhere far away. But I'm sure I'll be fine. The hostel is starting to feel like home now and I've been cooking there, too. Even eating vegetables, which I'm sure my mother will be delighted to hear. Green beans, to be specific. Broccoli was too expensive.

I want to write more but better get going. I'm afraid the chain-smoking, techno-listening employee might try to overcharge me and at 60 rubles an hour the price is already steep.

Bye for now, Komrades

The Swankiest Hotel in all of Oblast

Why am I checking flights to London from Moscow right now? I was supposed to travel to China. I was supposed to go through Mongolia and find myself wearing funny hats and speaking Mandarin and living in a monastery in the woods meditating over a plate of steamed broccoli. I was supposed to get a job teaching English in Vietname, get fired after two weeks for only teaching the different meanings of the word "sick" and then head south to Indo and Australia. Maybe West Papa New Guinea. But instead I'm trying to find the LOT Polish Airline website because they have the cheapest tickets to London from Moscow. Do I really want Chipotle that bad? Or do I really just want to be able to speak some English.

I have 13 minutes left at the Ring Hotel here in Yaroslav', Russia, so I must make this brief. I want to learn Russian. But it has been hard. Only the big towns have Russian schools. But I finally found a woman named Ulianna who will teach me Russian tonight for one hour. If I don't start learning a lot of Russian -- soon -- then I'm getting the hell out of here. I am here to learn. I am not here to spend lots of money on Solyanka and ordering expensive things on the money just because it's the only item that contains the word "chicken."

I am starting to feel better. I am not as tired as before and now more or less convinced that I don't have scurvy. But just to be sure I'll go get some orange juice from the supermarket after I'm done here. And continue to try to find the Russian school. The hostel is interesting here. Most of the people staying in it are Russian and don't even look at you in the hallways. I think the Russians are pretty reserved. The girl working the front desk's name is Janna (I think) and she's very nice but speaks almost no English. I tried to ask her which water I should use to boil spaghetti last night and she said "No problem", turned on the burner, and walked away.

There is always a good chance I will go to Africa. Maybe in September. Or something. But if I do that I need to know what to do till then. Not just spend money. Maybe I can get a job teaching English in Uzbekistan. Or maybe I can get a job at MacDonald's here. Or maybe I should just buy the longest train ticket it's possible to buy and see what happens. The skies the limit. Or I guess LOT Polish Airilines is the limit.

What Good?

Every day I am astounded by how badly I need to learn Russian. Just the basics. How to say "How much?" for example. In the internet cafe I'm in I tried to buy a half hour of internet and the owner said "Money money" in English and I gave him what I knew was too much and to rectify the situation he reached into the fridge and handed me a coke. "But I don't want a coke," I said, and he grunted and motioned towards the computer, as if saying "OK, you go ahead now. Internet. You have a coke and internet. You're happy."

Before this I was eating at a cafe the girl working at my hostel recommended. I successfully ordered soup as an appetizer and then soup as an entree. I tried to order something chicken as an entree, even showing the girl the word for chicken in my dictionary (whose pronunciation still eludes me), but what I got was patently pork. At the end of the meal I tried to ask for the bill, and the girl brought me a cup of "fine Ceylon tea." So I guess I need to learn Russian.

But things are looking up! After St. Petersburg I got on a train to Vologda where I met Alexey, an amiable Russian doctor 28 years of age. He was very excited to practice his English. We spent most of the train ride having an impromptu Russian lesson and then him reading from "The Grapes of Wrath" and me correcting his pronunciation. The word "wrath," incidentally, is almost impossible for Russians to say.

Alexey was very nice. Once in Vologda he took me around with his family to a cafe and then a monastery. The family treated me to lunch. His sister, Anya, lived in Vancouver and even studied briefly at the University of Washington this last spring! Her English was far superior to Alexeys but Alexeys was still good. He really wanted me to go back to St. Petersburg and live with him for a few weeks so he could improve his English and we could go fishing. But I told him I would probably keep heading east.

And then I got sick. Really sick. I'm still sick. My throat is screwed up. It's swollen and my glands are swollen and my ears hurt and weirdest of all my gums are swollen. My gums are extremely sensitive. I hope it's not serious.

But things are looking up. I feel measurably better today and took a train to Yaroslavi, a town about 3.5 hours south of Vologda. It's an agreeable little town of about 600,000 people. I'm the only one in my hostel dorm room so far, and it looks like I'll definitely be able to study Russian here. I'm taking it one day at a time and happily drinking my coke in this internet cafe. The owner just walked by drinking a coke of his own and wearing sunglasses (it's dark in here) and said "Yes, of course!" in English and slapped me on the shoulder.

I love Russia.